Think your relationship is doomed? You likely blame your partner, since he or she is obviously the one doing everything wrong – right? Wrong! Chances are you're the one making the drastic mistakes and you don't even know it. But it's not your fault. Many people do the same things in their relationships. We grow up thinking relationships are all about the romance and we crave that storybook ending. But in reality, many of us are prone to giving into unhealthy relationship habits that ensure our relationships fail. Below are some terrible relationship habits from markmanson.net that we all do because we think it's normal. If you can fix these you may end up getting that fairytale ending you've always dreamed of.
Many of us “keep score” in a relationship and don't even realize we are doing it. You may continuously blame your souse for past mistakes they've made in the relationship and then it becomes a battle to see who has messed up the most and, therefore, who owes the other one more. Maybe you were caught flirting with the waitress at the restaurant once and you are reminded of it every day. Or maybe you forgot your significant other's birthday and he or she won't let you forget it. But keeping score won't work. No only do you deflect from the actual issue you are arguing about, but you are bringing up bitterness from the past. If it continues, both partners will spend their time and energy trying to prove that they're not responsible for the state of the relationship instead of resolving the issue at hand. Instead, experts suggest you deal with issues individually. You need to remember that you are with your partner for a reason and that you need to accept all their previous actions and behaviours.
2. Hostage Taking
This is when your partner has a complaint about you and blackmails the relationship. For example, if you have been inattentive to your partner and he or she says “I can't date someone who doesn't pay attention to me,” then that's relationship blackmail. This will create a lot of unnecessary drama. Both of you must realize that negative feelings can be easily communicated without threatening the actual relationship. If you don't have communication skills you will end up holding in your feelings, which will lead to an environment of manipulation. You need to remember that while you are committed to someone, you don't necessarily have to like everything about them. That's normal. If you can communicate in a healthy way you will strengthen your relationship.
If your partner has plans to go out with his or her friends on the night you want to snuggle up and watch a movie you should not blame them for being insensitive. Maybe you're having a crappy day and your partner has ignored you and your feelings. But blaming him or her for your emotions is selfish. If you rely on your partner for your emotional upkeep you will develop codependent tendencies. No one wants to feel that it is up to them to make the other one constantly feel better. Your partner will only build up resentment towards you. So take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. Remember that there is a difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner.
If you get upset when your partner talks or hangs out with another person you will likely get angry with him or her and attempt to control their behaviour. This will be viewed as manipulative and will create an environment of constant fighting. It doesn't send the message that you love your partner but rather that you don't trust him or her. So try trusting your partner. Excessive jealousy and controlling behaviours are signs of your own feelings of insecurity, which can be a very unattractive trait.
5. Retail Therapy
Many times men and women will cover up the problems in a relationship with the excitement of buying something nice or going on a trip together. But this will only brush the real problem under the rug. And it will never stay there. It will continuously come up over and over again during other arguments. So deal with the problem and figure out how to fix your relationship.
This problem occurs when your partner tries to nudge you to do something instead of saying what he or she really expects of you. Then, instead of saying what's really upsetting you, you find petty ways to upset your partner so you'll feel justified in complaining to them. This just shows that you are not comfortable communicating clearly with your partner. Remember, someone won't feel the need to drop hints if they actually feel like they aren't being judged or criticized. So express your feelings openly. Make it clear that your partner is not responsible or obligated to them but that you'd love to have their support.
7. No Effort
Sometimes, when you get comfortable in a relationship, you think it's ok to not put in any effort. But that can be fatal to any healthy relationship. These signs include failure to compliment one another or failure to try and impress them or make them feel good. If only one person is putting in effort to the relationship, it wont last.
If you are always putting your partner down – even if the shot is disguised as a joke – it will affect your relationship. Saying things like, I should've married rich or joking with them because they can't seem to do anything right may seem innocent enough, but it's not. It is humiliating to your partner and will, eventually, blow up the relationship.
This really shouldn't need an explanation, but let me attempt to give you one anyway. No matter what you think your excuse is – 'My partner isn't attentive to me anymore,' 'I'm lonely,' 'I was just drunk' – it is never ok to cheat. If you feel like you want to be with someone else, break it off with your partner to save them heartache down the road.
10. Lose Yourself
In a lot of relationships, people start to focus so much on their partner that they forget about themselves. They take up their partners hobbies and interests and forget about what it was that they used to enjoy doing. While it's ok to share your partners inters, it's not ok to lose yourself. In fact, not having your own goals and interests could be a turn off for your partner. Confidence and independence is sexy so make sure you always keep yourself as your number 1.
When you first meet someone and your world revolves around them, it's easy to forget about your friends. This should never happy. Remember, your friends were there first and have stood by you through everything. And if this relationship ends badly, you can be sure they will continue to be by your side. So keep your friends close and make time for them.
No matter how many relationships you've been in before, you should NEVER EVER compare your current love with the loves of your past. And don't compare them to any hot guy or girl you may see in a bar or on the street. No one wants to feel like they are in competition with someone else. If that happens, your partner will end up doubting themselves and will resent you for it.
13. Never Forget
No matter how busy you may get, you need to make sure you make time for your partner and never, ever make them feel like they are being ignored. If you are at a party and talking to other people, that's perfectly ok, but don't forget about your partner. If you are out without your partner and you receive a text from him or her, make sure you reply. It shows that you respect them and that you haven't forgotten about them.
While we may be tempted to sneak a peak at our partners phone or go through their private bedside drawer, this is never, ever a good idea. Either you will get caught and trust will be lost or you will find something you don't want to see. If you see a text on their phone that seems suspicious, you may let your mind wander and misinterpret it, leading to all sorts of petty arguments in the future. It's not worth it. Feel secure in your relationship until there is a reason not to.
You should never try to change someone into something they aren't. You started dating them for a reason and that should be good enough. If you grow to not like the person they are, then leave. Remember, there is no perfect, ideal mate out there. So be realistic and accept who they are or have enough respect for them to move on so they can find someone who truly loves them for who they are.